EPL Diaries: Matchday 2 Preview

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To everyone still missing the Olympics (If you’re like me, you weren’t ready to have Dressage pulled out of your life so abruptly) and to everyone counting down the seconds until the NFL season starts, I have a solution for you. The English Premier League (The EPL). The EPL kicked off its season last week with an exciting Matchday 1 that featured thrilling comebacks, blowouts, controversial officiating decisions, Robin Van Persie in a Manchester United jersey, Andres Villas-Boas abandoning the fashionable trench coat in order to look like a highschool gym teacher and more! In this weekly (hopefully weekly) column I will be previewing the upcoming Matchday by highlighting the key games to watch. That is until Michael Vick gets injured in week 3 and I go into a deep depression that ends in me sobbing into my retro Reggie White jersey. Until then though here are the top 5 games to look out for in Matchday 2.

5. West Ham United at Swansea City (Saturday August 25, 2012 – 7:45 AM ET)

Why wake up at 7:45 in the morning on a Saturday now that Fox Kids is long gone (why wouldn’t they bring back good Saturday morning cartoons? Never understood this) you ask? Because this is (somehow) a battle of two teams coming off of week 1 wins. Newly promoted West Ham started the campaign with a victory that came off of Kevin Nolan’s boot as The Hammers beat Aston Villa 1-0 at Upton Park while the surprise of last year Swansea demolished QPR 5-0 on the road no less with 2 goals coming from new signing Michu (no idea how to pronounce this and based on last week, neither do the announcers). Swansea appears to be the favorite as they seem to not have missed a step despite switching managers in the off-season (Brendan Rodgers out, Michael Laudrup in) and will look to play their fluid “tiki-taka” (Is there really no better phrase to describe this brand of football than this? I mean really?) style in front of their home support. I expect West Ham to stay back and look for chances via the counter-attack and whatever set piece they manage to get. If you manage to wake up this early on Saturday, this game will be fun to watch.

Prediction: Draw

Drinking Game: Drink each time Michael Laudrup gets referred to as “The Great Dane” or every time they cut to a shot of Michu adjusting his hair. (I Don’t actually suggest drinking alcohol this early in the morning…unless you haven’t stopped from the night before, if that’s the case then cheers!)

4. Arsenal FC at Stoke City (Sunday August 26, 2012 – 8:30 AM ET)

Ah what better way to cure your Saturday hangover than watching one team try and play the game of football the “right way” with crisp passes and fluid movements face off against a team who takes the “beautiful game” behind the toolshed and beats it mercilessly with long balls, rugby tackles and long throw-ins. I can’t wait. In all seriousness Arsenal will look to get their first win and goal of the season as they take on Stoke City, another team who could only manage a draw in the first week. Arsenal fans were in a panic after the first game calling for Wenger’s head and all other sorts of over-exaggerations that fans typically exhibit. However, new signing Santi Cazorla looked lively and the Arsenal attack looked decent against a Sunderland side that parked the bus effectively for 90 minutes. And yes, Olivier Giroud missed a pretty easy chance but these things happen and it’s no time to panic especially with the talent this team possesses. Stoke City will look like the same side we’ve seen over the last few years, dull but stubborn and very difficult to beat at home.

Prediction: An Arsenal victory (no real reason here, just a gut feeling. Should let people know though that my “gut feelings” on gambling on soccer have given me a Krusty-esque track record.)

Drinking Game: Drink each time Stoke City throws the ball directly into the Arsenal box off a throw-in. Drink each time you’re confused about Gervinho’s hairline (take very very small sips).

3. Fulham at Manchester United (Saturday August 25, 2012 – 10:00 AM ET)

One of these teams is coming off a 5-0 thrashing of Norwich City and the other is Man U. Fulham began their campaign with a demolition of an admittedly bad Norwich side at Craven Cottage. Norwich’s problems aside, five goals is nothing to scoff at with one coming from Damien Duff (yes, he is still alive) and two from new signing Mladen Petric could be signs that Fulham will be more dangerous this season than in years past. United on the other hand, RVP signing and all could do nothing but watch as Marouane Fellaini and his Sideshow Bob-like hair weaved in and out of their defense leading Everton to a 1-0 victory. It will be very interesting to see how Ferguson will use Van Persie from now on as I expect him to get the start this week but for who is the real question. Kagawa looked impressive in his debut being the lone piece of good news for United fans.  Another question that will be answered on Saturday is who gets the start alongside Vidic and his regrown hair at centerback. In my opinion, Michael Carrick didn’t do a bad job against Everton all things considered and should have an easier time at it playing against the Fulham attack than he did against Fellaini and Jelavic. Panicking after one game makes no sense but seeing 1 or maybe 0 points out of a possible 6 for United will be a cause for concern meaning that the Red Devils should be in attack mode from the get go on Saturday. That being said Fulham is no pushover so this should be a good one to watch.

Prediction: Manchester United victory

Drinking Game: Drink each time the words “little boy” and Van Persie are mentioned together. Drink for every minute of “Fergie Time” (stay away from the hard liquor for this one).

Liverpool Vs. Everton a Running Diary

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Alright! Having some free time on my hands, I decided to watch the mersyside derby today and do a running diary of it. As you may or may not know, I am a huge fan of Liverpool so this diary will be very biased, so Everton fans (all six of you) you have been warned. Before I begin I do feel that I should mention that this Liverpool season has been the worst. Yes, I am referring to it as simply 'the worst'. Liverpool finally got owners who were willing to spend some serious money to improve the team, only to see players like Andy Carrol, Charlie Adam, and Stewart Downing (combined cost: over 60 million!) get out-performed by the likes of Kuyt, and Craig Bellamy (combined cost: less then 10 mil, and that is only the cost of Kuyt who was bought over 5 years ago, kill me now). To top it off, Liverpool's best players (Suarez, Gerrard, Lucas-not up for debate, he is a phenomenal player) all missed games due to freak injuries, lingering injuries, and suspensions. To make maters even worst than that, as we continue down the well of misery, Liverpool has managed to hit the post or crossbar this season a staggering 28 times. That is not a typo, if even half of those go in I am pretty sure Liverpool is locked into a champions league spot. I have not even talked about penalties yet. It has gotten to the point where every time Liverpool wins a penalty you wonder how they are going to fuck it up. My personal favorite miss so far was when Charlie Adam, the so called 'set piece master' pulled a Beckham. I can not describe how sick to my stomach I am that the only defense I have against other fans (casual or otherwise) is to hold up five fingers and try to ignore their quips. This culminated when people asked me why I am even still a fan and that I should look for a new team. Okay, nothing makes me more mad then hopping onto a band-wagon, I am a fan for a reason, and I know that one day it will be worth it (see: 49ers of San Francisco) so Chelsea fans: your golden boy Mourihno got clowned by Rafa every single time they played in a cup, and Rafa was operating with one third the budget, Arsenal fans: your cup drought is longer then ours, City fans: you might not win shit this year, and United fans: I respect you (the die-hard ones at least) enough to wish you luck in the title race. Whoa that felt good, the next 90 minutes probably will not, but let's get on with it anyways.

4pm: Kickoff, we begin...

1' Form apparently does not matter in Derbies, Good, because Liverpool's form can best be described like the Toronto Maple Leafs: garbage

2' Carrol and Suarez combine nicely, but Everton clears the ball. Andy Carrol has been unbelievable this year, and I use that word in the worst possible way. He took a massive dump on Liverpool when he played for Newcastle, so I was ecstatic when Liverpool got him. The result? ugh... He is incredibly frustrating, has all the tools, but refuses to use them for some reason.

6' After some incredibly dull play, Suarez sets Gerrard up for a one on one with the keeper. Read my introduction to this, then take a wild guess at what happened. Here ill make it even easier: multiple choice.

a) Gerrard scored
b) Gerrard hit the post
c) Everton's goalie made a wonder-save, then an Everton defender made an even better block.

FUCK MAN CITY

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Editors note: After building up so much frustration at last Sunday's game, my friend, a long time Man-U fan finally cracked and asked to vent his feelings on this site. Needless to say the result is delightful, I hope you enjoy this article, I sure did.

I assume if you are reading this sentence right now you have already read the title and you have an slight idea what the tone of this article will be about. I assume if your reading this article, you are also a soccer fan and that you have already watched the Manchester United versus Man City game that took place last Sunday. I assume very little or none of you are Man City fans, but if by some divine miracle you are a Man City fan then just go away, I don’t even want you to read this, just fuck off, just move your mouse to the top right corner of your window and click on the X symbol. Thanks for nothing you fucking wankers. I have so many hateful things to say, but where to start?

By now you have probably concluded that I am a Man U fan, and the event that took place last Sunday is not one that I want to stay in my memory. I remember October, 23, 2011 like it was yesterday, my day went a little something like this. I woke up late, missed the first half, went to the library, opened up the game to see the score 1-0 for Man City, then a minute later Balotelli scores to make it 2-0, went on ESPN to check who scored the first goal only to realize United were down to ten men, shortly afterwards Aguero scored to make it 3-0. Everything was all going so wrong so fast so I just decided to shut off my laptop. Then I slowly took out a gun out of my bag, placed it on my temple, and pulled the trigger to end the misery….

Firstly, just looking at United’s lineup on Sunday depressed me, the line up that Sir Alex put out wasn’t even close to full potential. I hated this starting lineup. First of all why da fuck is Evans playing over Phil Jones, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Phil Jones has been the shining star for United and he’s the face of the youngsters that are coming through for the team. He faster, stronger, smarter, and a way better leader than Evans, but somehow he was on the bench and that piece of shit was on the field. I mean how can you trust a guy who makes tackles like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cs88nvpF_gw . When Evans first came through I really thought he was going to be a star, but with time he only proved that he was mentally challenged. I don’t ever want to see him in the starting lineup, the only time I ever want to see Evans’s name in there is if Chris Smalling, Ferdinand, Jones, Evra, Rafael, Fabio, Valencia all cannot physically stand up, and Vidic only has one leg left to stand on, then and only then do I ever want to see his name in the starting lineup. I don’t like blaming Sir Alex for anything, but this was definitely a huge mistake that costs the game. Ferdinand is already way past his prime 3 years ago so I don’t even want to pick on him. To the new goalie, I have nothing bad to say about De Gea nor do I have anything nice, I know the 6 goals was not really his fault at all, but I feel like if Van der Sar or any of the other great United goalies in the same situation they would not have let that happen. Something about him just seems off and he just doesn’t seem like a United goalie, please bring the flying Dutchman back. I don’t know why im hating on United players but im just so irrational right now that everything is making me mad. I guess its because I haven’t let out the source of my hatred which is Man City…

Suarez, the EPL, and the Tabloids

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It's been a long time sense I felt like I could write another article about soccer.  Too many games missed due to a dreadful combination of school and work combined with some awful game times (8:30 am Sunday for derbies, really?) left me with insufficient knowledge or inspiration to write about anything.  Today I finally got that bit of inspiration and hopefully the following will sound as coherent as it did when I thought about it.

Many in the mainstream media (especially the British media, but that's for another time) will look at Liverpool's 15 points from 9 games as a major disappointment, while also taking shots at Liverpool's American owners and Luis Suarez.  A couple of thoughts on this, first of all, what Suarez is doing on the soccer field is absolutely incredible, he is easily the most exciting Liverpool player I have watched in my life time.  His talent isn't even the best thing about him, if there was an NBA season you would hear me bitch about guys who get paid and don't care, with Suarez it is the exact opposite.  He approaches games with the intensity of a starving wolf, he is genuinely pissed when he (or the team) is playing poorly, and hates being subbed off.  He really, really cares, we can't say the same thing about players like Tevez and Torres who always put themselves before the team, which by the way is something Suarez has yet to do (and in my opinion he wont).  It's too bad that if you are a supporter of another team you wont notice these things because every major British tabloid and sportscasting company is trying to convince us that Suarez is the Antichrist   Look, I get it he sometimes goes to ground too easily and does complain quite a bit; you know who else complains?  Wayne Rooney, Xavi, Iniesta (the Barcelona guys way more than anyone else) Why do these stars complain so much?  Because they don't feel the ref protects them enough.  Against Norwich, Peter Walton decided that the media was right and chose to ignore the numerous incidents of Norwich players tugging at and grabbing Suarez around the neck area because hey, he dives and bitches!  I would be fine with this were it not for the same media blowhards never treating Christiano Ronaldo like this.  Compare how Suarez and Ronaldo behave on the pitch, they wont be far off.  To the media's credit they eventually started treating Ronaldo like they are Suarez now only after the former got Rooney sent off in the World Cup, gee I wonder what caused them to start hating the guy all of a sudden?  I will avoid getting too much into Sir Alex Ferguson's (Phenomenal coach, putrid human being) hypocritical rant about Suarez's antics, keep in mind that this same man has Nani and Evra on his squad but I digress.  

Previewing: Liverpool Vs. Sunderland

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If you  are expecting this article to be objective forget about it.  I consider myself a very passionate fan of Liverpool FC and writing about them objectively (especially when it comes to games that matter) is impossible.  Throughout the Premier League season, I will be writing about Liverpool on occasions that are appropriate, this being the start of the season seems like such an occasion.  Instead of previewing the entire season (of both the league and of Liverpool) I think it makes more sense to preview Liverpool’s opening game against Sunderland.  If you want full season previews, there are blogs devoted to Liverpool and the EPL which will offer far more insight than I can.

Liverpool comes in to this season with a sense of renewed hope.  I say renewed because the last two years have been nothing short of hell with awful defending, injuries, a terrible ownership situation, the worst big club manager ever (Hodgson), and allowing goals in the last 5 minutes at a rate that would make Arsenal blush.  Last year a new ownership group (also owners of MLB’s Red Sox) took over and in just a few months in charge made things much, much better.  They showed that they did their research when they brought over Luis Suarez from the Erdeviese, easily the best signing of last year.  They fired Roy Hodgson whose eye-gouging brand of soccer and insistence on playing dead-weights Joe Cole and Christian Poulsen made him one of the least popular managers in Liverpool history.  Of course, as the British media would have you believe, it was all Liverpool’s fault that Roy could not succeed, not his own incompetence and inability to manage a big club.  Lastly, they hired a guy who truly bleeds Liverpool red and actually won some titles as a coach to be the new manager, Kenny Dalglish (the best player of all time for Liverpool).   Those changes were made mid-season and Liverpool finally started playing well again, and had they not lost their last two (pretty meaningless) games, they would have finished with the best record vs. The top 6 sides of the table that year.  This summer Liverpool has spent cash like never before, actually signing a lot of players while selling none (something that was impossible in the Benitez era).  How the new signings will fit in remains to be seen, as do a few transfer sagas, but those are for another article and another time. 

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, on to the preview:

First of all, I hate Sunderland, I really do.  I hate their manager Steve Bruce (and his obvious racism to foreigners, best seen by how he spoke of Benitez vs. Any British manager), at one time rumours had him being the Liverpool coach, and I would seriously have considered not following the team any more.  I hate how recently, every time they play against Liverpool some sort of controversy must happen as this video, and this one will show you.  The fact that in the last two years Liverpool have not been able to get points off of them easily adds to the hate.  I do not know much about Sunderland (nor do I want to) but from the various previews I’ve seen experts have them anywhere from the top 8 to being relegated, basically, they have no clue either.  As for Liverpool they come into this game without captain Steven Gerrard who will be available after August.  This is a blow to them as Gerrard on form can win games by himself (sadly, these games are getting more and more rare as his age and injuries begin to pile up).  They also come in with a very scary Left-Back problem.  When Fabio Aurelio is fit (never) he is all class at the position, but in the last 4-5 years Liverpool have not really had anyone who could play there, guys were either too young or playing out of position as a result they have been routinely torched by opposing wingers.  The last time Liverpool had Fabio Aurelio play a lot of games they had an amazing season with this game being the cream of the crop.  Update: During the writing of this, Liverpool went ahead and signed Jose Enrique from Newcastle...so ah that left back situation now looks great!  Another thing Liverpool has now that they never had (slight exaggeration) is a true wing-player in Stewart Downing.  Having watched his performances in pre-season games I can safely say that I will really like him and what he brings to the side.  He should be an excellent compliment to Andy Carroll.  It remains to be seen how Dalglish will manage the team or even what the first 11 will be, but it is important for Liverpool to kick things off on a winning note, as this will be a very tight year in the EPL in my opinion.  I do not expect Liverpool to contend for the premier league crown, but a top 4-5 finish would be nice to see, and if they start the campaign off with a 5-0 trashing (wishful thinking by me, I really hate Sunderland) all the better.  My prediction for this game: There will be controversy.