With the first round of the NBA playoffs coming to an end and my
finals pick obliterated (they still haven't found all the pieces); it seems
like a good time to see where we stand so far. To make myself feel better about
the horrible predictions I made, I have decided to hand out some fake awards;
because nothing cheers me up more than this gimmick. The 'Requiem for a Dream'
award is a prestigious honour given to a team that has endured the most painful
and hard-to-watch ending to a season in any sport in quite some time. The
Gladiator Award is specific to the NBA, and is given to a player who has had
the best single-game performance of the first round. Lastly, the '2004 New York
Yankees' Award, is again NBA specific, and as you can tell from its name, is
awarded to the biggest choke (both team and coach) of the first round. Once I
am finished dishing out awards, I will proceed to hopefully put up some better
predictions for round two.
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| Both of these guys won an award, find out which ones. |
The 'Requiem for a Dream' award goes to: Manchester United! (In
case you missed the weekend’s final EPL match-day action, Man U lost their all-but-won
13th Premier League title when Man City came back from 2-1 down to
QPR, scoring twice in stoppage time to win the game and the title). Here is the video, feel free to fast-forward to the 4:00 mark for the good stuff.
Yes, I am fully aware that the incredible
finish to the EPL season has nothing to do with the NBA playoffs, but do
yourself a favor and just watch the video linked above. The NBA equivalent to
what happened to Manchester United, would be losing an eight-point lead with 15
seconds to play in a game 7. Had Liverpool lost the title the way that United
did, I would still be missing. We would not be able to call ourselves a sports
blog without, at the very least, mentioning the miracle of Manchester. The last
day this year's EPL season will forever hold the honor of this award.
The 'Gladiator' Award is going to Pau Gasol. Given the stakes
(Magic was on record as saying that Mike Brown, Andrew Bynum, and Gasol would
all be gone if the Lakers lost), the surprise of the performance (Gasol was
invisible through six games), the actual performance (23 points, 17 rebounds, 6
assists, 4 blocks), and the best play of the playoffs so far (rebounding his
own shot five times, and laying it in, completely draining the Nuggets) make this
an easy choice.
Quick Note: I was actually going to blow this section up for the
2004 Yankees award Bill Simmons style, where I would have guys come up
one-by-one and give fake interviews about this epic collapse, complete
with...You know what? Let's actually do that. I will even host this disgraceful
squad, along with Karl Malone, Doug Christie, and John Starks.
Pan to a shot of a studio desk in front of a massive audience.
Karl, Doug, and John all have beaming smiles on their face, to their right I am
sitting, holding a mic.
Me: (Waiting for the crowd to settle down) "Thank you,
thank you, welcome to the award ceremony. We have lots of great guests coming
up, including the awe-inspiring story of how Memphis pulled out this year's
spectacular choke." (To the panel) Guys have you ever been in front of
such an energetic audience?
Karl: "I have, many times, but this is the first time I am
not afraid of failing miserably!"
(Doug, Karl, and John all laugh)
Doug: "Yeah, I mean, I have absolutely no worries about
disappointing a very large amount of people today, like I did against the
Lakers back in 02' when I shot 2-11 and air-balled a go-ahead 3 with 22 seconds
left in OT of game 7"
Me: (with an absolutely straight face) "Let's not bring that
up ever again"
John: (To Doug) "You think THAT is choking?"
(John seems offended, and is waiving his arms everywhere, Skip
Bayless style)
John: "After getting my title-winning 3 blocked in game 6 of
the finals, I proceeded to shoot 2-18 in game seven, including an astounding
0-10 in the fourth quarter!"
-Every Knicks fan in the building boos loudly.
Me: "Well guys, we will have plenty of time to talk about
your greatest hits at the after-party, but for now let's welcome Rudy Gay, Zach
Randolph, and Marc Gasol". Rudy, Zach, and Marc walk on to the stage
waiving at the audience and take a seat on the interview couch. "Guys, you
three are arguably the best front-court in the league" The trio smile and
nod, giving each other hi-5s. "Yet, you let Kenyon Martin, Reggie Evans,
and Caron Butler absolutely embarrass you. Hell, two of those three guys don't
even start! Truly masterful work by you"
Zach: "When I first saw Vinny desperately throw Reggie into
game 1, I thought to myself: 'How can I hurt my team the most?' Then it came to
me! On every Clippers free-throw miss, I would allow Reggie to somehow get the
ball and give them extra possessions. When you're trying to blow leads, this is
the best way to do it; it energizes their bench and gives them better shots
than a regular turn-over would."
Marc: "Hey now, you can't take all the credit!"
Me: "That's right Z-Bo; Marc really helped you out by fully
buying-in to your strategy."
Zach: "Oh, what Marc did for us was incredible. He knew
exactly when to disappear in the second half of games, so we would be unable to
utilize his immense abilities and size"
Karl: "I am proud of you Marc; I loved dominating the first
halves of playoff games, then slowly fading. The fans always cut you some slack
because the memory of you dominating so easily early on was fresh. This always
shifted the blame to the coach for failing to run more plays for you"
(Marc is visibly flattered and stares at the ground, barely able to
contain his joy).
Rudy: "What about me guys? I avoided the ball like the plague
in the 4th quarter of game 7 annnnnnnd I missed 2 potential game winners in
games one and three."
John: "Don't worry Rudy, we were just about to mention that,
I mean, not even I hid from pressure like you did"
Doug: "What really inspired me was the things that didn't show
up on the box-score, you constantly allowed Caron Butler to provide the
Clippers with first quarter offense, you lost track of shooters on D, and you
absolutely refused to feed your big-men down low, take us through those things
and provide insights for future recipients of the 2004 Yankees award."
Rudy: "Well, the key for me was when I heard that Caron broke
his hand, but would play anyways. Nothing raises the energy of a team more than
when an obviously injured player makes big plays, I made it my mission to have
Caron score in the first quarter of every game he played in, because we usually
jumped out to big leads and I had to stop that, and fast"
Me: "So you were afraid that if you didn't step up, the lead
would have been insurmountable?"
Rudy: "Absolutely. By always being within 10 or 11 points,
you knew that Chris Paul would not let his team quit, and that even the
smallest of runs would get them back into the game."
Me: "Thank you so much guys" The trio rises and bows as
a unit and exits stage left. "Now, for the back-court!"
Mike Conley, OJ Mayo, and Tony Allen enter, and are much more comfortable
on the interview couch than their predecessors.
Doug: "Before Daki speaks, I have to say something."
Doug pauses to collect himself. "Michael, the way you feared taking open
shots and insisted on trying to draw calls that Dwyane Wade wouldn't get was
beautiful to watch. Tony, your silly, momentum-killing fouls, and insistence of
shooting 15 feet out of your range was just as excellent, but OJ... your
complete clusterfuck of a series was the stuff of legends man--"
Doug gets
out of his chair and he and OJ embrace, drawing a standing ovation from the
audience.
Me: "That's what this award is all about right there folks,
allowing the all-time great chokers to be united."
John: "I think Doug summed up your performance really nicely
guys, but I have to ask, what took you so long to start shooting 3's
Tony?"
Tony: "Well, I wanted to provide the Clippers with the best
chance to win, while absolutely giving our fans the most agonizing experience
imaginable. Mid-way through the fourth, when I was wide-open for a 3 and half
the crowd yelled NOOOOO, that's when I knew my job was done."
Karl: "Fascinating. So why wait until game 7?"
Tony: "Oh that's easy. By having a decent series through six
games, you fill the fans with false hope, and then, in game 7 you sweep the rug
from under them. As a role-player you really have to leave a lasting impression
or you'll be forgotten. To qualify for this award, it had to be a complete team
effort."
Doug: "I see, so some of you, like Gilbert Arenas, would
stink up the joint for the whole series, so when anyone came to replace him the
fans would be relieved. I have to be honest; I don't think we've ever had a
team this committed"
Me: "I agree Doug. And now let's meet the man who made it all
happen, the coach: Mr. Lionel Hollins!" The panel rises as one and salutes
Lionel Hollins as he enters the stage, and the Memphis guards leave. I start
rattling off accomplishments before he even sits down.
Me: "Coach, you were the architect of a series where you blew
a 24-point lead with 8 minutes to go in game one, lost by one in game 3 because
you were out of time-outs and could not draw up a good play for a last-second
shot, lost an over-time game, and topped it off by blowing game 7 at home no
less. What do you have to say for yourself coach?"
Hollins: "Heh heh heh, what more is there to say? You forgot
about me benching my star player for all but 3 minutes of the 4th quarter in
game 7, where I elected to play Gilbert Arenas, Dante Cunningham, Quincy
Pondexter, Mareese Speights, and Hamed Haddadi"
Me: (slapping my forehead) "Of course, I can't believe I
forgot to mention that"
Doug: "You had me worried for a while there. When I heard
that Chris Paul only scored 2 points in the 4th quarter, and that he was the
ONLY STARTER TO SCORE AT ALL in the quarter, I thought you gave the award away.
But once I saw the final score, and heard you actually had a one-point lead
going in to the fourth, I knew we made the right choice by giving you this
award."
Karl: "Exactly, although you could have taken a few stupid
technical fouls earlier so you wouldn't have had to sweat it out late
there."
John: "Coach, John Starks, big fan of yours; to add to what
Karl said: Why DID you wait until game 7? You could have wrapped the award much
quicker, had you blown game 5."
Hollins: "Now John, did you not hear anything that Tony said?
We not only wanted to choke, but we wanted to torture our loyal fans in the
process. The prospect of coming back from 3-1 down in a series, then collapsing
at home in game 7 was too good an opportunity to pass up. Do you think any fan
will rest easy in must-win games of the future?"
John: "That...is an excellent point."
Me: "Take us through game one coach; your team came out like
it was sending a message to the rest of the league that it was ready to
contend, but instead became an instant laughing stock once you collapsed. How
did you pull that off?"
Hollins: "I have to be honest, it was not easy. We actually
took a team vote at the end of the third quarter. I remember telling the guys
that we could still win the 04' Yankees award, but we had to stop playing right
then and there. Once we voted, we knew what we had to do."
Me: "And that was...?"
Hollins: "Oh, where are my manners, of course, of course. The
first thing I had to do was tell my team to start taking contested
20-footers... the further away they were, but still within the 3-point line,
the better. I also told them to stop rebounding, both on offense and defense,
but this wasn't enough. We were still ahead by 12 with about 3 minutes to play
when I had a brilliant idea! I called a time-out, pretending that it was
because the Clippers were on a run, but it was actually because they needed one
more push. So I told my team: ‘don't run back on defense’."
Doug: "...Which allowed Nick Young to shoot so many
uncontested 3's?"
Hollins: "Precisely! After that it was textbook stuff, I told
Rudy to hold on to the ball as long as possible, I remember saying, ‘don't give
us a chance to rebound or foul them again, at all’."
John: "He executed perfectly, I knew that could not have been
a play drawn up to win you guys the game"
Karl: "But that was not enough was it?"
Hollins: "Oh no, you see, we were so much better than the
Clippers that we had to pull out all the stops. I cannot describe to you how
hard it was to lose this series; Jay Triano would have won it in 5 for Pete's
sakes! So what we had to do was: miss free-throws, give up rebounds off of
missed free-throws, not run back on defense, and go away from anything
resembling an offense. Sometimes I even used my time-outs to diagram a play for
the Clippers."
Me: Like in game 3, when Speights passed it to Griffin at the end
of the half!"
Hollins: "Yes! In the entire series, we did not run a single
two-for-one properly and that's what enabled us to finally implode."
Me: "Lionel Hollins everybody!!!" The panel, the 2004
Yankees, and the 2008 and 2012 Patriots rush the stage clamoring for an
autograph from Hollins, who is happily signing T-shirts and other memorabilia.
Me: "That does it for this year folks, see you next
time"
Whew! That felt good to write. Since there is no way to conclude
all the awards and still get to predictions, I will make this a part 1, and
finish the post in a part 2, which will be posted soon. Until next time,
cheers!
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