Quick explanation as to why I wrote this: on Wednesday night I was feeling especially lazy (might have had something to do with the animal physiology readings I wanted to delay for as long as possible) and decided to check out X-Factor, the new show brought to North America by Simon Cowell. I was a fan of Simon’s from American Idol and wanted to see why he left the biggest show on television. But mostly it was to delay school work. The following are my thoughts on the premiere episode as they were written on Wednesday night (other than a few spelling/grammar changes that were necessary). I added a few updated thoughts that came to me throughout the week in bold. All times are Eastern Standard Time.
· 8:02 PM
o We open with a shot of 3 trucks in an isolated dessert. So far it looks like the beginning of a Michael Bay movie and not a singing competition.
o We meet host Steve Jones, basically a less feminine Ryan Seacrest with a British accent.
· 8:04
o We are in L.A.
o The prize is a 5 million dollar recording deal that the voiceover explains is something unheard of in today’s music industry. I don’t have insider info into this business so I’ll take his word for it.
o The auditions will be held in front a large crowd of people instead of just the three judges. I like this; it can help sway the judges and should be beneficial to really young and really old contestants. No one wants to be the douche that boos the 75 yr old grandma. After watching the second episode, it has become clear that winning the crowd is basically half the fight. Even if you’re a great singer but the crowd dislikes you, odds are you won’t be getting through.
o Next we meet the judges
o Simon Cowell. We all know his story, British judge who is brutally honest in his critique of the contestants. Also wears the lowest cut shirts out of any human being I’ve seen.
o La Reid. The former head of Def Jam records. He has a legitimate background in music and looks like a tougher Randy Jackson.
o Cheryl Cole. British pop star who gets replaced by Nicole Scherzinger (had to google her last name) because test audiences couldn’t understand her accent. She used to be married to Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole before he cheated on her, proving Ashley Cole is stupid.
o Paula Abdul. Much like Simon she is old news. The voiceover says that she’s worked with the best people in music? Really? I can’t think of one.
· 8:09
o First contestant is Rachel, a 13 year old.
§ Singing mercy by Duffy, needs the money to move into a bigger house. Enjoy the kid contestants for some reason
§ Crowd gives her a semi-standing O, girl can sing.
§ Paula loves her but she loves anything so not the best endorsement.
§ Cheryl Cole loves her I think? Hard to tell because of the accent
§ La Reid does too
§ Simon says she’s proving the lack of the age limit right.
§ Goes through to the next round
§ One thing I don’t like about these types of auditions is we get the shot of the family celebrating with some sappy sad music in the background. We get it, they love each other. I don’t need a generic piano melody to remind me of this.
· 8:16
o How long does it take to think of those insanely random milk commercials? My guess is 8 seconds.
· 8:19
o And we’re back with some weird interaction between Paula and Simon
o Terrell carter (a contestant) wearing a shirt that shows somehow more chest than Simon.
§ Sounds like a 70’s r&b singer
§ Good stuff
§ Gets 4 yes’ (it took me a while how to type this, don’t care if it’s not grammatically correct. This is a running diary of the X-Factor, not a university paper)
· 8:21
o Two more young contestants get all yes’ from the judges
· 8:22
o And we get our first contestant that makes you wonder if the producers pay some of them
o Symiz is his name I think
§ Has the same hair as Cheryl cole
§ Takes off his coat to reveal a fishnet shirt..
§ Pulls off some James brown/Prince moves which the crowd loves
· Cut to Simon regretting he left American Idol
· Love the shots of his family/friends loving the performance
o A Steve Jones sighting to remind us he is the host
§ He gets three yes’, La Reid is the only one to say no.
§ So far it’s basically old school American idol which was the most watched show on TV so I think this will work
· 8:27
o Moneyball commercial, can’t wait to watch this. I saw it on Friday night and loved it. Great story and great performances from the entire cast. Brad Pitt should get some Oscar buzz for his portrayal of Billy Beane. Not saying he should win but a nomination is warranted.
o Day 2 in L.A.
o Husband and wife duo
§ Husband looks like a balding Elvis who speaks like Nicolas Cage (always a good thing), wife like an older Latino Paula Abdul
· Getting excited for some honesty from Simon
· Wow they’re 70 and 83 years old
· If they win they’re going to go in their travel home and play at all the senior centres...
· Not the best but somehow an entertaining, touching performance.
o Wife holds a high note, paramedics are on call (just kidding, somewhat)
· Voting
o Everyone says no except for LA who doesn’t vote.
· 8:37
o Forget the names of the two girls singing but Simon just told one she sounded like she was drinking poison. First decent insult of the episode.
· 8:38
o Linda, nickname Jessa. Makes sense...
§ A 61 yr old woman singing I touch myself by the Divinyls, I’d reconsider the age limit
· No in a million years – Simon
o Miranda is up next, she thinks she’s the next Madonna
§ Makes me never want to hear Firework by Katy Perry again
§ Simon says no, she disagrees. I always wanted to meet these people who come on these shows and are so delusional about their own abilities.
· 8:43
o We now learn that the winner also gets a Pepsi commercial during the superbowl.
o Simone battle (21 years old)
§ USC student
· Wants to be a major pop star
· Wants to sign people’s babies (who doesn’t?).
· Says she’s fierce
o Simon calls her annoying, I’m with him.
· Her first album would be called honeywork
o Says her music is a threesome between hipster, cheerleader, drag queen. How is that a good thing?
· Singing pussycat dolls, this can’t be bad..
o Wait no it can and is
· Simon calls her fearless, ambitious, he really likes her, wtf Simon?
· Cheryl agrees
· LA was underwhelmed, agreed.
· Sings a song to show her voice
o Sounds better than the pussycat dolls one
o LA doesn’t want any part of it
· Paula says yes because she’s apparently starring in a sequel to Yes Man.
· 8:50
o We get a montage showing how Simon and LA respect each other but seem to disagree on a lot of contestants
§ Eye of the tiger is being played in the background
· This song can make any montage good
· 8:51
o Commercial for new season of CSI, who still watches this? And how good is their police force if there is a new murder(s) every week?
· 8:54
o Commercial for killer elite, working title was “Jason Statham kills a lot of guys for the 20th movie in a row” (Btw, can we start calling out De Niro for mailing in the last 11 years of his career. Other than Meet the Parents/Fockers, are there any other good movies? This guy is in the argument for best actor of all time and now he’s starring alongside 50 Cent? Simply depressing.)
·
8:56
8:56
o Single mom of two kids, 30, Stacy Francis
§ Cue the background emotional music
· On cue!
§ Whenever any type of this back story happens, it is guaranteed the contestant will be good and make it
· She will sing Aretha Franklin
· Great voice (not surprisingly)
o Wish I was as good in my NFL picks as am I in the prospects of x-Factor contestants
o Shot of Steve Jones smiling to remind us he’s doing something
· Great rendition, crowd/judges give deserving standing ovation
· Everyone says yes, crowd cheers, she cries and I feel a little sad I spent an hour watching this.
· 9:03
o Me: “huh its 3 past 9, they went over the time on their first show. (checks TV listings) What? This is a two hour premiere?” regret doing this now but too late to turn back.
§ What the Vikings think when asked about Donovan Mcnabb
· 9:07
o Wow does PanAm look terrible, also makes me miss Mad Men that much more.
· 9:08
o New city: Seattle
o New judge: Nicole Scherzinger replaces Cheryl Cole
o Some guy in a Hawaiian shirt and silver jumpsuit comes on, forget his name because I doubt ill need to remember it (I was wrong, his name is Geo Godly and hisaudition is comedy gold)
§ Will sing a song he wrote
· Has that ever worked in these competitions?
o Some of the lyrics Hunk with a funk, stud with a thud, too much is enough, we can do bill Clinton stuff
§ He takes off his pants and flashes the entire crowd
· WTF
· Cut to people leaving the crowd, Paula leaves, guy gets booed. Paula is puking apparently, I’m going to guess he’s not going through to the next round
§ LA Reid calls it offensive, disgusting, distasteful and other tough words, calls for security to throw him out. I think I got my new favourite judge. The man is like every stereotype of Samuel L. Jackson personified (slight exaggeration).
§ Paula returns like Willis reed in `72
· Actually it`s nothing like that but I’m getting restless
· 9:22
o And we`re back with Marcus Canty
o Absolutely kills Stevie Wonder`s I wish, probably my favourite performance of the night so far
o Breaks down with R Kelly playing in the background, crowd loved him
o LA Reid compares him to bobby brown, that is pre-Whitney Houston, pre-coke abusing bobby brown
o 4 yes`
· 9:32
o After commercials, we learn that day 2 of Seattle is Nicole’s 21st birthday
o The next contestant is boy band The Answer which consists of 3 guys
§ Allen Iverson is making an angry call somewhere
· Actually the odds he watches this are less than zero
§ They sing Nicole happy birthday
· Simon seems genuinely annoyed for some reason.
§ Singing rolling in the deep with their own twist on it
· One guy is clearly the best, why is this always the case in boy bands? Sorry JC Chasez.
§ They’re going through to the next round
· 9:40
o Wal-Mart commercial where everyone is cheering
§ Has there ever been a more misleading commercial
· Has anyone ever even smiled inside a Wal-Mart?
· 9:41
o Nici Collins
§ Says she’s been singing her entire life
· I’m going to call Nici a liar based on her audition
§ Stops her own audition, blames the microphone, gets booed hard by the crowd then yells at them. Straight out of the Vince Young playbook.
§ Paula says she thinks this was a dare that someone made her do.
§ Simon – horrible voice, 4 no’s
· 9:43
o Pretty funny set of clips of awful auditions with a few good Simon soundbites
· 9:50
o Father of a 2 yr old boy who hauls trash, just got out of rehab. His story is basically the same as Jesse from Breaking Bad minus the son. The guy’s name is Chris Rene and his audition has been a hit on YouTube with over a million views in 4 days. Watch it here.
o Singing an original song called Young Homie
§ Not bad at all, everyone seems to like it. And we get an interesting head nod dance from LA Reid (don’t even know how to describe it. It’s in the video that is linked above).
· Standing ovation
o Nicole says he’s got the x factor, great story
· 10:00
o We’re finally done
·
Bottom line is that this is basically the old American idol with better judges so if you enjoy those shows, you’ll love this and if you don’t then it’s at least good enough for an occasional tune-in or to keep on while you do your homework.
Luka Milanovic
@Luka_M91 on twitter
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